Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Brits 2012 - Time to die of boredom...

It's time, once again, to despair of the status of modern music. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, tonight is the Brit Awards 2012 and, in honour of such a celebration of mediocrity I have decided to revive a critically acclaimed blog from two or three years ago (which I would link to, but I can't seem to find right now...). That's right, it's time for Brawny's reviews of the Best British Single Nominees. In case you don't remember the rules, it's very simple. I listen to the song until I can bear it no more, and then I log my thoughts.

Without further ado, here we go...

Adele - Someone like you

How long did I last: 1:59

Impressions: Generic and dull. (Which is not helped by hearing it used on adverts/tv shows even though I didn't know what the song was). After thirty seconds I was begging for some kind of musical variation, and for the piano to STOP PLAYING ARPEGGIOS! Basically, it's the new song for teenage girls to learn to play on the piano to "express themselves" and teenage boys to learn to play in order to impress them. In a word - Dull.

Rating: 4/10

Ed Sheeran - The A Team

How long did I last: 1:45

Impressions: Firstly, bird noises? SHUT UP. Secondly, "face" and "flakes" doesn't rhyme. And neither does "rent" and "end". In fact, continuing to listen to this song, Mr Sheeran doesn't seem to understand how rhyming works. You'll notice I haven't said anything about the music yet, and there's a reason for that. I forgot each note as soon as I heard it, due to the horrendously boring nature of it all. Apparently I listened to the chorus, although I don't remember it, which is surely the point of a chorus...

Rating: 5/10. But only just.

Example - Changed the way you kissed me

How long did I last: 0:36

Impressions: Well hello Mr Early 90's synth, I'm glad you've got work again. It's a shame, because whoever wrote this song, whether it was Mr Example himself or not, seems to have almost grasped the concept of composition, except for the simple fact that YOU CANNOT JUST REPEAT AN IRRITATING SYNTH RIFF OVER A CHORD SEQUENCE WHEN IT DOESN'T FIT!! Apparently, according to Neety, there is an entertaining bit later in this song where it goes
"Dum-de-dum-de-dum-dum - WAH!", however, if I had listened that long, my brain might have fallen out of my ears. FACT.

Rating: 2/10

Jessie J featuring BOB - Price Tag

How long did I last: 0:45

Impressions: I can't even begin to describe what's wrong with this. Firstly, the music box bit at the beginning which is not the same tune or key as the song? Secondly, she sounds like Lily Allen would sound if you abandoned her next to some tin cans in an area that was almost exactly unlike the ghetto.

Rating: 2/10

JLS Featuring Dev - She Makes me Wanna

How long did I last: 0:07

Impressions: Oh JLS (and generic music in general), have you not had the memo yet? There is absolutely NO NEED to sing your own names at the start of your song. Instantly abandoned due to this cardinal sin.

Rating: 0/10

Military Wives and Gareth Malone - Wherever you are

How long did I last: 1:53

Impressions: This is one of those songs that forces you to FEEL EMOTION! GO ON, FEEL IT! IT'S BOTH SAD AND UPLIFTING AT THE SAME TIME! Regardless of the fact that it sounds like it is an offcast from a later Lloyd-Webber musical (although if that was the case, the choir would be children), it is at least moderately musical and has some kind of tune and harmony that work together, and because of this (and in direct contrast to those I have already listened to) I may have given it more of a chance than it deserves. By the start of verse two, however, the soprano harmonies don't give it enough variation, and that's when it stops.

Rating: 6/10. The best so far...

Olly Murs feat. Rizzle Kicks - Heart Skips a Beat

How long did I last: 0:18

Impressions: I have actually heard the opening of this song several times, as it was at one point one of Neety's ring tones. Once again, however, 18 seconds in, they feel the urge to name the artists, so it's goodbye from me.

Rating: 0/10

One Direction - What makes you Beautiful

How long did I last: 1:17

Impressions: Hi, we liked the riff from Summer Lovin' so much that we felt that we should steal it, change one note and pretend it's ours. This may be generic, manufactured rubbish, but it at least bounces along comfortably, not trying to outstay it's welcome. It's almost as if they took the Backstreet Boys and genetically spliced them with Busted. However, two musical notes for the lads, 1) Your tag line should fit comfortably into the tune provided and not have an extra syllable and 2) Reverse cymbals are only effective when used OCCASIONALLY!

Rating: 6/10

Pixie Lott - All About Tonight

How long did I last: 0:33

Impressions: What is it with these popstars and not being able to rhyme? Shoes, attitude, you. These words share some verbal similarities but they DO NOT RHYME. And while she also seems to have employed Mr late 90's synth, her irritating voice and lack of originality meant I couldn't get more than 33 seconds in...

Rating: 3/10

The Wanted - Glad You Came

How long did I last: 0:44

Impressions: It's like someone took Coldplay, and made them duller, and then mixed it with some kind of Euro-dance track. Much as I dislike Coldplay, at least they have some musical prowess. These idiots don't. The End.

Rating: 3/10

So it turns out the best of a rather shit bunch this year is the Military Wives and One Direction. So I'm expecting that neither of them will win. In a way, it's nice that a lot more of these had real instruments than all the synths and dance beats of a couple of years ago, but on the flip side to that, it'd be nicer if they weren't all so dull....

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